Monday, May 12, 2008

Don't Break the Ice

Don't break it. Leave it be.
Leave me frozen, leave me cold.

Don't let it crack, don't let it creak.
Tread lightly, for that is me you step upon, walk upon, skate upon
with blades of steel so you might glide by untouched.

Let me freeze, my blood is cold.

Let me go.

Friday, May 2, 2008

See my scars

See my scars?
They're there, I swear.
Criss-crossing my body, over arms, under thighs
lacing like spiderwebs over my hands
layer upon layer over my cheeks and eyes
small ones, fine ones
longer, thicker
caressing my stomach, my hips
gentle kisses and harsh screams
small tears, angry voices
some broken hearts and a few lost hopes
small hurts carefully plotted and planned
one here, two there, maybe one more next to these
hurt me, hate me, leave your mark
I'll carry your scar upon my heart
she hurt you, let me take the pain
he hit you, I'll make it go away
lost friends, lost homes, lost lost lost lost lost
it hurts to see sometimes
to look in a mirror and see these scars
twisted flesh, burnt and burning
ripped skin, careful cuts
marred surface, rippled with pain
everywhere, face, neck, shoulders, back
over my ribs, down my arms
so many scars, too many scars
can you see them? how can you not?
I see them. every day I see them.
They're there, I swear.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I'm done..

I'm tired. I'm broke. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm lonely. I'm happy. I'm confused.

To him:
I realize that I SUCK at dealing with people. I don't bite my tongue when I should, I don't lie when I'm supposed to, and I have this nasty habit of getting pissed off at people who promise me things and then don't follow through. I'm not a master of subtlety. We discussed it. We figured shit out. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

To You:
If I'm behaving in a way you don't like, you have to TELL ME, or I don't know I'm not doing something right. I have this incredibly irritating ability to completely misread any signals that I may possibly be perceiving. You act like you like me, then tell me to wait, then tell me you don't. Cool. I can deal with it. I'm a big girl. I've moved on.

To one of you:
I saw the shots, I know I did a fucking AMAZING job, but for some reason I'm still waiting on photos you've been promising me for months. You shot her less then a month ago, but she's obviously much higher on your list of priorities.

To another of you:
I love you. I really do. You're awesome and amazing and everything I can only hope to do what you do. You're infinitely better at talking to people then I can ever hope to be. You're a wonderful person, and I'll always adore you. I know I'm a headache to talk to. Thank you for putting up with me.

To someone else:
I adore working with you. You get all my weird ideas, my kooky thoughts, and my half-baked plans. Thank you for being a friend and an amazing photographer. You make long trips worth the drive. I hope we never run out of things to create.

To another person:
I'm sorry. Apparently I fucked up and I wasn't aware of it til recently. I tried to talk to you about it, but I got shrugged off. But I am sorry. I don't want to lose a friend.. please forgive me. I suck, I'm an oblivious person, and I had no idea I was bothering you. I'm sorry.

To someone I haven't met yet:
You're sexy. You make me laugh. I smile when I think about you, and I can't wait to hang out with you. You're smart and funny, and you get me. Please be real.

To someone(s) I'm going to meet:
I can't wait.

I suck. I'm stupid. I am sorry to people I've upset. I'm happy for people I've cheered up. I love all of you, even if I'm not good at showing it.